11-30-2012 | Dream Fragment | The TD Incident, Old Wounds Opened

Anti-Sexual Harassment Graffiti reading: No To...
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I had several dream fragments but I woke up not thinking about them and I was focused on trying to return my damaged/broken/defective computer graphics card so that a replacement graphics card can be sent to me, and so I forgo almost all of my dreams.

But I do barely remember part of one dream fragment that took place in a slightly fictional version of D during a cloudy/gray day at a slightly fictional version of the D/B Library that is sometimes in my dreams, it is slightly larger than the real life version, and it is arranged differently with a few new areas.

I went inside the library a few times and I met a few people, and some parts of the dream took place outside; but I can not really remember those parts.

At some point I was in a classroom that was located in a room near the bathroom area of the library, and I was there with some of my former classmates; and I think that we had a female teacher.

I remember that I was sitting in a desk in front of my former classmate TD, a girl who I liked back in 3rd grade but I knew that I did not stand a chance with her so I gave up on that thought/idea, and her boyfriend from when we were in high school, our former classmate ZB, was in the classroom as well; and in this dream they were still dating or married, I am not sure which.

I probably briefly talked with TD, ZB, and some of my other former classmates before class started; but at this point class had already started.

At some point I turned around and laid my head on the back of my seat, I was facing in TD’s direction & I briefly glanced at her and my head was at about chest level with her, and then I started looking around the room; but at some point as I was looking around the room TD yelled out that I was looking at her breasts, but I was actually looking around the room, and then she loudly accused me of sexual harassment or something like that.

This caught me by surprised and shocked/embarrassed me a bit, but I explained that I was looking around the room and even though it might have appeared that I was looking at her breasts since my head was at about chest level with her; but she would not listen, and she kept angrily accusing/arguing with me in front of everyone causing a big scene/incident.

I started to feel bad/sad/embarrassed/and a variety of other emotions and ZB got mad, and he started threatening me since he was TD’s boyfriend or husband.

I tried to explain the situation to him but he would not listen, so I got angry that he was threatening to attack me, and I warned him that he probably could not defeat me in a fight so he better calm down before he gets defeated/beat-up/knocked unconscious; and I got ready to defend myself, but I decided to just walk away to avoid having to embarrass ZB in front of TD because there was almost no chance that he could beat me in a fight.

I felt terrible and I had flashbacks of past rejections by women who I liked through-out the years, but who did not like me, and having one of them falsely accuse me of sexual harassment was even worse; and this situation felt like it would scar/damage me emotionally/mentally/socially/et cetera like my earliest rejection by a girl (A or E) back when I was a kid in my kindergarten class by a girl who I liked & one day after getting the courage I told her that I liked her & I asked her if we could be friends, but she gave me a racist rant about how we could not be friends (citing the racist beliefs taught to her by her parents which she also believed).

That experience hurt/shocked me so bad that all I could do was cover my ears, close my eyes, and try to disappear/turn invisible/die or whatever; I wanted to run but I could not, I wanted to scream but I could not, I wanted to cry but I probably held it back, I wanted to be invisible but that was not possible, I wanted to hide but I could not, I wanted to not exist, and many more things and that experience has stayed with me to this day sub-consciously & consciously; and so I am always cautious when it comes to things like that, and the few times that I have gotten the courage I have been rejected over the years, which has left me forever single/shy & suffering from social anxiety & occasional depression for so long that it almost seems normal like my life has always been like that or will always be like that.

Anyway, I walked off in the dream with all those old scars/wounds being opened again, and it felt so terrible; and that is why I can remember part of this dream, from how terrible it felt & now I somewhat feel how bad that felt just by typing it/this.

The end,

-John Jr

By John Jr

Hello, I am John Jr, welcome.

Leave A Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.