Trying to put this into words is too hard for me so I avoided putting it in writing for a long time (I could not even come up with a title for this post, and so I had to just pick something), but I am sharing it as a complementary post to go along with my staff pick for the film A Patch Of Blue which I hope to watch tomorrow because I ran out of time to watch it today when I started this post.
This post does not come close to properly putting into words this experience and my thoughts, yesterday I probably could have done better typing this because my mind was more ready for it as I thought about this experience and relived some of it, and so expect this to be poorly typed and full of jibber jabber and know that it is still not a good enough example of what is in my mind because it is too hard to translate thoughts and memories and feelings and emotions into words.
Also I will probably edit this post some more later, and so expect changes to this post over time because I need to sleep and I do not have enough time to keep working on this post right now.
Many years ago back when I was in Kindergarten at KRH Elementary School there was a girl in my class named maybe Amy or Emily (I am not sure which and I can not remember her last name, and I never remember seeing her again after Kindergarten; and I do not even have a yearbook from this time period) who I was interested in, I was a shy and cautious and more introverted but friendly kid, and so I approached this situation and my feelings cautiously.
For some unknown reason(s) she caught my attention and I would think about her and I had some feelings for her that I did not understand, I would try to make sense of this internally, while keeping my distance trying to slowly get to know her from a distance before approaching her slowly hoping to eventually become her friend.
I can not remember how much I talked with her before this incident happened, but one day after days/weeks/however long of being overly cautious I decided to finally let her know that I think that I would like to become her friend one day.
I was nervous and scared et cetera, I tried to plan what I would say, and I thought about the many possibilities of what might happen.
I kept trying to give myself the courage and wait for the chance to talk to her directly about this, and so I waited until we were eating in the school cafeteria so that we would be sitting across from each other and that would be my chance to talk to her directly.
As I sat there eating and drinking at the table across from her I was super nervous, my pulse and blood pressure was up so my heart was beating fast and I was probably hot and maybe I was even sweating a bit but I am not sure, and there was a struggle going on in my mind as I tried to fight the nervousness and many feelings/emotions and the many thoughts that were going through my mind (I was thinking about what might happen, I was trying to decide what to say, I was trying to give myself courage, et cetera).
There was a male classmate of ours sitting somewhat near us, I am not sure who, and at some point I finally barely got enough courage to finally tell her what I had planned.
I can not remember exactly what I said, but I do know that I ended with that I hoped to become her friend one day and I hoped that we could talk or something sometimes during recess and/or in class during some of our breaks.
Finally saying this gave me a bit of relief as I waited for her to respond, so I was happy and slowly recovering a bit from all the nervousness, but then her response shocked and overwhelmed me and shot me like a bullet and it left a permanent scar and mark in my subconscious/mind that affects/effects me until this day and helped shape the person who I am today.
She said something like: “We can not be friends because my parent’s said that people of different races can not be friends, get married, have kids, et cetera…” but I did not hear the rest of what she was saying because I was so shocked and overwhelmed with emotions and thoughts and feelings that I put my hands over my ears and I closed my eyes tightly because I just could not handle what was happening.
I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, I wanted to run, I wanted to disappear, I wanted to turn invisible, I wanted to hide, I wanted to pull my hair/eyes/ears out, I wanted to turn back time, I did not know what I wanted to do.
The closest thing that I have found to describe that moment is this part from a monologue scene by the character Colonel Walter E. Kurtz (played by the actor Marlon Brando) from the film Apocalypse Now:
Here is a quote from that scene from the Apocalypse Now -Wikiquote:
And I remember I…I…I cried. I wept like some grandmother. I wanted to tear my teeth out. I didn’t know what I wanted to do. And I want to remember it. I never want to forget it. I never want to forget. And then I realized, like I was shot — like I was shot with a diamond…a diamond bullet right through my forehead.
I am not sure if I cried on the outside but I definitely cried on the inside, it was devastating and shocking and saddening and depressing et cetera, and I had to try to deal with all that internally while at school sitting in the cafeteria and I was only a kid.
I was some what prepared for the chance that she would not want to become my friend, but I was not prepared for the reason that she gave and for what that meant when I was confronted with this knowledge knowing that there were many other people still out there who believed this and who were passing this on to their kids who would then pass it on to their kids and on and on so this was something that would continue to haunt me and our species and would effect/affect me and others now and in the future.
I never wanted to experience anything like that again so I became even more cautious with social situations like that until this day and this experience probably had many other affects/affects on me until this day and probably triggered my already cautious/shy subconscious into an even more defensive and always on alert/worried/fearful in social situations state, and it is one of the many reasons that I feel so strongly against race itself and why I would like to see our species finally stop using race because race is a failed/false social construct that does not physically exist as far as we know scientifically among us modern humans; and even if we do find out that race does exist one day and identify them and make a test for this, then that still does not justify racism and the unnecessary division among our species.
You can read the American Anthropological Association (AAA) Statement On Race for more information about race:
You can also watch this DNews video about race:
Growing up I never really felt that I fit into any so-called race or even any particular ethnic group (because my family varied in skin colors and hair types et cetera and ancestry, and the cultures/histories/et cetera of my ancestors were lost/destroyed/forgotten/not passed on so I never was really raised under any particular identifiable culture) and race never really made sense to me so I was just me and I got along with mostly everyone, and I do not identify with any fake race or even with any ethnic group and I refuse to be identified by race and I do not support race and I do not use race to identify myself or others so I just see myself as human and I see everyone else as human; and the only real differences between us humans is social, we have some physical differences but not enough to separate us as a species so we are one species (unless if you are counting some of us who may have some Neanderthal and/or some other non-modern human genes), and so it angers and saddens and annoys me et cetera that most people/et cetera still believe in and use and support and identify/divide/talk about themselves and others by race.
There are many people who claim to be against racism and who claim that they think that we are one species but usually this is not true from my experiences because they usually contradict themselves and they still use race et cetera to identify themselves and others and when they talk and usually they say and do racist things themselves sometimes, I am one of the few people I know who is really and truly against race and not just racism, and who really walks the walk instead of just talk; which is sad, and makes me lose some hope in humanity if we can not even get most people to see each other as members of the same species.
Not only am I against race, I hate it, and I feel very strongly about this and I take it personally; and if I could destroy the idea of race permanently I would, and if I could physically fight race I imagine the fight going somewhat like this:
But I do try to keep an open mind so if science ever does prove that race exists one day and identifies them and comes up with a test,then I will then accept it and get tested to find out what race or races I am, but I still would be against racism and I still would not divide myself by race but I would finally identify by race if it was proven to be real one day.