I had more dreams but I did not get out of bed to voice record them, and what happened in my last dream also helped me to forget those dreams and the beginning of the dream that I do remember part of.
This dream went from positive to negative out of nowhere and very fast.
All that I can remember of this dream is that it started during the day, I can not remember the beginning of the dream, I just remember being outside in an area on the right side of a road or highway.
There was at least one automobile there that was possibly pulling a trailer and with this automobile was a family with light-color skin of all females or almost all females and maybe one or two boys (there were at least four women and at least two girls, but there were possibly more), and I think that someone I know knew this family but I can not remember who or how or if that person was also there at first but then left.
The adults in this family that I remember were a mother who was the oldest who possibly looked like a combination of my coworker Mrs. C and the actress Kim Dickens and another woman, and she had at least three adult daughters with one of them being obese with dark-color hair.
I know that at least one of the girls had yellow hair but I am not sure if her and the other children were children of the adult daughters or children of the mother or children of someone else in their family.
I remember talking with the family and they told me that they were about to go out-of-town to stay somewhere and they invited me to join them, they were about to leave immediately, and so I did not have time to bring anything with me or decide.
Normally I would have declined the offer especially since I did not really know them but someone I know knew them, but they really wanted me to go and they seemed nice and someone I know knew them so I decided to take a risk and go with them even though I did not know where we were going or where we were staying or for how long.
I possibly rode on the trailer with some of the children and maybe at least one of the women as we talked but I can not remember, and the next thing that I remember is us reaching our destination and being inside a one-story house-like place that was possibly in the wilderness near the highway but I have no idea where we were or any details like.
I still was not sure how long we would stay, I had no extra clothes, and so I wondered how I would deal with that if we stayed for more than a day.
So far everything was positive and everyone was happy and excited and relaxed, and at some point the obese adult daughter led me to a mostly empty possibly partly pink room except for maybe a table / chair / bench in the middle of the room.
I was not sure what she wanted at first and then she told me that she wanted to give me a massage, I never had a massage before and I was not comfortable with this idea and so I said so, but she assured me that it would be okay and good and beneficial.
I still was not comfortable with the idea but she was preparing anyway, she started setting up something on the bench / table that seemed to be something to hold incense, and she handed me what looked like a green leaf and then a piece of newspaper or something that I was to try to light to start the incense and place it in the incense holder or whatever it is called.
I asked her what the green leaf thing was, she told me that it was something to help me relax and / or something like that, and she said that it was basically a type of incense.
Even though I was uncomfortable I decided to once again take a risk and accept the massage, the woman told me to go ahead and light the green leaf while she goes to get something, and so I did this and I put it in the incense holder as it produced some smoke.
I started to feel strange and weak and tired, I started to assume that it was the incense, and then I started to feel off-balanced and maybe my vision started to blur.
I immediately realized that this incense was meant to drug me and I assumed that I would lose consciousness, and I realized that I had been set up and that is why the woman left the room so she would not breath in the smoke.
I started stumbling trying to get out of the room but it was too late, the woman entered the room wearing a respirator or partial gas mask, and I heard her saying something that I can not remember and she was talking to me and it was confirmed that I was set up and I assumed that the woman was going to rape me.
I fell to the ground losing consciousness, I possibly briefly saw myself from outside of my body (possible brief astral projection and / or I was just briefly able to see things from that point of view and / or I visualized what might be happening to me based on what I could hear) before everything went black, and I could hear briefly but I could not see almost like what happened in a blog post by Lost Truth called Kept Blind During Astral Travel.
I heard and / or briefly saw and / or briefly visualized the woman in a rush dragging me and trying to put me on the bench / table, she was struggling and she was talking, but she successfully stretched me out on the bench / table.
She was moving very quickly like the incense would only last a short time so I assume that she wanted to rape me and then give me another drug to keep me unconscious or give me another drug and then rape me, I think that she was possibly on top of me before I fully lost consciousness, but I was so drugged up that I could not feel much or at all.
The rest of the dream was me going in and out of consciousness, I am not sure how many hours and days passed or what happened to the children, I just know that the women seemed to be taking turns (they took breaks between each time so I am not sure how long between the assumed rapes so I am not sure how many hours and days passed between them) drugging and raping me while possibly trying to brainwash / mind control me using various brainwashing and mind control techniques including hypnosis and possibly using sex as a form of brainwashing and mind control which was possibly also being used in an attempt at some kind of sex magic but I have no idea.
The women seemed to also be trying to make me forget what was happening to me so when I would wake up I would not remember what happened at first, and maybe slowly I would start to remember a few things but they (which ever woman had me at the time) would drug me unconscious again.
Also it seemed that part of their assumed brainwashing / mind control attempts also involved trying to get me to forget, sometimes I would hear a woman (which ever woman had me at the time) telling me that I will forget what happened in a hypnotic voice like someone performing hypnosis before drugging me unconscious again, and there were other things that I can not remember that were said to me during these brainwashing / mind control / hypnosis attempts like they were trying to program certain things in my mind.
They kept me drugged up so much that each time that I woke up briefly I probably could not move much or at all, and then I would go unconscious again once they realized that I was awake and they would drug me again.
I am not sure how they were drugging me though, but it was strong enough that I could not feel much or anything and it kept me mostly unconscious and defenseless and forgetful so maybe it was some kind of date rape drug.
I think that the women chose me because they said that I seemed like a nice guy, and it seemed that they each wanted to brainwash / mind control me into being their ideal man (which varied between the women) who they could control (literally) and get to accept what was happening so I guess they felt that it would be easier to mold a nice guy into their ideal man.
The most that I ever gained consciousness briefly happened when it was the mother’s turn, she had me sitting on a couch at the back of the room to the right of her in a narrow rectangular room that was like a family room or living room, and I woke up hearing her and seeing her yelling to her adult daughters that it was her turn and that she did not want to be disturbed like she was making it clear that she was in charge.
While she was distracted by that I had the most time so far to try to slowly remember what was happening to me and I learned some of this from what she was yelling to her daughters, and I started trying to move so that I could try to fight my way out of here but she saw that I was awake and she drugged me again.
She started saying something to me and my vision went black again but I could hear her because I was still slowly losing consciousness, I heard her making negative comments about men and about some of her past relationships, and she was very angry about this and she took her anger out of me by yelling at me about her anger toward men and her past relationships.
I think that she then started to attack me to let her anger out, I was so drugged and was losing consciousness that I could not really feel it or anything, and then I think she started to rape me violently to let her anger out but I am not sure because I could not see or feel much or anything.
She was not angry with me but she was letting her anger out on me, I remember her possibly saying this to me, and she even said something that was not negative that possibly was about me being different and that she would not have to worry about those negative things with me once she is finished making me into her ideal man I assume.
Then I lost consciousness, and I woke up in the real world.
*Extreme Jibber Jabber Alert :D*
Thanks to Lost Truth I remembered one of my thoughts about what possibly inspired this dream, and what it possibly represents to me; and so thank you very much Lost Truth (Moment).
Yesterday I was thinking / daydreaming about what might happen if I had the chance to talk to and face my subconscious in human form, either a human form or a form of its choosing or in a form that looks exactly like me, either in a dream (lucid dream) or in real life.
Recently it seems that my social anxiety / anxiety levels have maybe slightly increased and / or something so I thought / daydreamed about what might happen if I could talk to my subconscious about this to try to work with it to deal with this, and to get it to stop being so overprotective / on-alert / cautious / worried about what other people are thinking and feeling and what they might do et cetera / worried about being looked at / and more.
I partly thought / daydreamed of the dream (lucid dream) scenario first with my subconscious taking the form of the character Alice Morgan from the television show Luther, who is a character who is willing to go to the extreme by killing and breaking the law to protect and help the character John Luther.
I imagined my subconscious asking me if I was afraid of it, and me replying yes.. in some ways and / or sometimes; but then I switched to thinking about the real world scenario.
I imagined it being like something from the movie Enemy, like when the main character met a man who looks exactly like him.
I thought / daydreamed of being at work when my subconscious walks into The BP Library where I work as I am shelving some books in the new book section, and I imagined it being like a clip of scene in the trailer above where we stare at each other and my subconscious approaches me and we circle each other looking at how we both look the same except it is wearing different clothing and it acts and talks differently from me.
I imagined myself telling my subconscious that I was grateful for it protecting me and helping me all of these years and that I would like us to continue working together, but that I feel that it has gone to the extreme in trying to protect me which has led to it harming me and limiting me and my life as I stagnate and live life in a small protective bubble and suffer from anxiety and over-cautiousness et cetera.
I imagined my subconscious arguing that it is the reason that I am still alive and that I should be thanking it for keeping me alive and it pointing out the many things that it has protected me from ever having to deal with, I imagined thanking it, but reminding it that I feel that it has gone so far that it has created a life that is not really a life worth living (partly borrowed from a quote by Alice Morgan).
I imagined it replying that back when this possibly started (I was always shy and had some anxiety, but not at the level that started at that point in my life), back when I was in college and I started to doubt my religious beliefs and world views and I eventually left the religion that I grew up in and I became depressed and I had suicidal thoughts et cetera, that it is what stopped me from killing myself then and even now.
I imagined it replying that the best thing that it could think of to keep me alive was to use fear to control me and limit me from ever killing myself, it felt that fear would trigger my subconscious (it) to take over more giving it more and more control as I rely on it more and more to protect me from my various fears (mostly social), and that this would decrease my chances of killing myself and endangering myself in other ways.
When people are afraid it seems that their rational / conscious mind is usually limited more and the subconscious is more likely to trigger and take charge in those situations as a survival mechanism, and so it triggered this survival mechanism to save me basically but it never shut off.
I once again thanked it for saving me, but reminded it that balance was needed and that it should not be dominating my life and working against what I want consciously and that we should be working together; and I argued that it has become so overprotective that one could argue that it has increased my chances of suicide.
It acknowledged that was an unwanted and unpleasant side effect of its approach but that it was still not as high of a chance as before and it rejected my idea of balance or working together or giving up control and argued that I had proven to be too weak et cetera to be trusted with being in control or having more control again, that I had already failed before, and that it would be too risky for me to be in charge again because I would probably just kill myself if it was no longer in control.
We argued back and forth with me trying to be rational and diplomatic trying to form an agreement of some kind but it rejected them all, and says that it probably should have just killed me and taken over completely years ago because there was not much of a reason to keep protecting me anymore if I did not want its help and I am just a liability.
I mention that we both are needed, neither one of us should destroy the other, and that we both are needed to function and that we could be a good team.
It thinks that I am too weak and that I am more likely to kill myself destroying the both of us, and so it would be better if it just killed me and took over completely so that it would not have to worry about dying in that way and then it could live much longer without me.
It argued that killing me would be a good thing, that it would be doing me a favor, because I probably wanted to die anyway.
I warned it that I do not want to fight but that I will defend myself if attacked and if I have to destroy it in self-defense to finally end this then I would to survive, it says that I am not strong enough to defeat it and it reminds me that it knows all of my strengths and weaknesses et cetera, and it seems that we are getting closer to violence so I start preparing myself for a possible fight but the thought / daydream ends.
So how does all of this jibber jabber relate to this dream?
What if this dream was my subconscious’s way of sending a message to me warning me that I need it, that I should continue following its lead to avoid possible situations like this, that I could have avoided what happened in this dream if I would have listened to it.
So this dream was possibly a strong message showing how weak and defenseless I was on my own when not following its lead (the subconscious warnings of discomfort, to say no, to avoid, to be extra cautious et cetera).
But who knows?
I apologize for the jibber jabber, but it was nice putting this out there though I will possibly regret it later because this was a bit too personal 😀 ; and so thank you very much Lost Truth (Moment) from helping bring this out of me. 🙂
- John Jr