A junkie walking through the twilight
I’m on my way home
I left three days ago, but no one seems to know I’m gone
Home is where the hatred is
Home is filled with pain and it,
Might not be such a bad idea if I never, never went home again
Stand as far away from me as you can and ask me why
Hang on to your rosary beads
Close your eyes to watch me die
You keep saying, kick it, quit it, kick it, quit it
God, but did you ever try
To turn your sick soul inside out
So that the world, so that the world
Can watch you die
Home is where I live inside my white powder dreams
Home was once an empty vacuum that’s filled now with my silent screams
Home is where the needle marks
Try to heal my broken heart
And it might not be such a bad idea if I never, if I never went home again
Home again
Home again
Home again
Kick it, quit it
Kick it, quit it
Kick it, quit it
Kick it, can’t go home again
This morning I witnessed my brother CC’s pet dog Daxter/Niko die, this is probably the first time that I have witnessed a death from beginning to end like this, and it was quick and I can not properly describe what it felt/was like to witness/to see the death process in person.
My brother CC (who is gone to military basic training) named his dog Niko after the video game character from the video game Grand Theft Auto IV named Niko Bellic, but my brother GC (who has taken care of Daxter/Niko, and the other pet dogs who belong to my other brothers) named him Daxter after the video game character Daxter from the video game Jak And Daxter.
Recently my brother GC noticed that Daxter was not feeling well and we took him to the veterinarian, and the veterinarian said that Daxter had an autoimmune disease that was attacking his red and white blood cells; and he was surprised that he was still alive, and so he prescribed Prednisone (which was the same medicine given to me years ago when I had Vasculitis, I was fortunate because my immune system was only attacking some of my red blood cells, and not both white and red blood cells like Daxter).
Daxter instantly started doing better and the veterinarian tests showed some improvement when he was tested a few days later, but then he started acting a bit sick again and we took him back to the veterinarian and he prescribed some more Prednisone, and the veterinarian wanted to test him again on Monday (5-19-2014) and if there was no improvement he wanted to add another medicine to go along with the Prednisone.
Yesterday evening Daxter suddenly started doing a lot worse and then this morning when I was outside walking I saw Daxter stand up suddenly and he was staggering barely able to walk and breathing like he was dying and I could see that he was dying and I almost started crying to my surprise and his body was reacting/panicking as it died and he had a very inward/internal facial expression like someone dying with their focus inward inside their mind with the external world fading into the background like an intense daydream, and he collapsed to the ground; and so I ran to tell my brother GC, and I ran back outside.
Daxter was laying on his side struggling to breath his last breathes and he vomited all the liquid and food from his stomach and I saw his stomach sink in now that it was empty, and then Daxter started pushing out his last breathes; and then his body spasmed pushing out all the air left in his lungs as his legs kicked a few times, and then it was over like the life left his body.
It all happened so fast and I could almost feel it/imagine what it was like when it was happening, it was how I imagined it would be, it was how I think that it might be for me when I die, and seeing death like this in person is not like watching it in a movie/et cetera.
It is different really being there seeing it, smelling it, hearing it, watching the struggle, watching body fluids escaping the body, seeing the look in their eyes and the facial expressions on their face, seeing what you will one day experience yourself, knowing there is no escape, knowing there is nothing you can do about it, and hope that you die in the way and place that you want to die.
Seeing it was too hard to describe and I imagine experiencing it would be even harder to describe, I came close to dying once before when I almost drowned and so I only have a slight idea of what it somewhat might/may be like, but one day probably soon I will find out for myself; and hopefully I will die on my own terms:
Outside in nature and alone and awake so that I can experience every moment of the dying process as my body struggles and my body fluids escape my body, and may my organs/blood/et cetera be donated for those who need it and may my body be used for scientific/medical research; and may my body be burned to ash when they are finished and may my ashes be returned in a secure urn/container to my family to pass on to future generations (it they want to pass it on) and may my family decide what they want to do with my money/possessions.
That is all that I ask.
Dream 1
In the first dream I remember being inside my parents’ house during the day and my brother TD and I were in the living room, but then my dad walked into the living room angry saying something to my brother TD.
My dad lifted my brother TD to his feet and pulled him toward the wall by the couch, and my dad pushed my brother TD into the wall face first very hard; and I jumped to my feet in shock/anger almost ready to attack my dad, but I stopped myself because it was my dad and he stopped.
My brother TD probably started crying and I yelled at my dad but he ignored me, and he walked back to his room complaining; and so I went to see if my brother TD was okay because he got pushed into the wall very hard, and amazingly he seemed to be okay.
My brother TD reminded me of my brother CC who is gone to military basic training and I became sad but I was still angry, and then I angrily walked into my parents’ room and my parents’ were sitting on their bed; and I started arguing with my dad about how he could have seriously hurt my brother TD, but he did not care.
My sadness and anger combined and I almost cried but I stopped myself, I started to explain how I thought about my brother CC when he pushed my brother TD, but my dad still did not care; and I came close to fighting him but I stopped myself, and then I started talking to my mom but that is all that I can remember of this dream.
Dream 2
In the second dream I remember being inside a large one-story building that was surrounded by a barbed wire fence and a lot of people worked and lived there like modern-day slaves, and several of them/us were chosen for a competition that they have sometimes.
The people chosen for the competition usually or always die and usually no one wins the competition, I think that it was a competition with death battles and survival situations, and if you win you would be free of the modern-day slavery of having to live and work in this building.
It seemed that maybe things were so bad that maybe some people/we agreed to be modern-day slaves working for corporations/whoever (it seemed they owned them/us maybe) in exchange for work/food/water/shelter/et cetera or we/they were forced into it, but I am not sure and that is a wild guess; and even in the dream I was not sure how I got there, how I was chosen for the competition, and I was not sure if I was a slave/worker as well or not.
The conditions seemed bad like everyone worked most of the day, we all slept in one open room with no beds, we could not leave the compound, food/water was rationed to us, et cetera.
We were in the open room getting ready to go to sleep and we talked about the competition, most of the people chosen were not happy, but one man was acting happy but he told me that we all were going to die because no one wins; and there were a variety of people in the room with different skin colors with a somewhat large group of people who spoke Spanish, and I remember a woman speaking Spanish next to me sounding like she was afraid to die in the competition and she was praying in Spanish.
Eventually it was time for the lights to be turned off so that we could sleep because we had to do everything on a certain time schedule with people checking on us often to make sure that we were following all the rules, but after the lights went off I noticed a small furry strange creäture that maybe somewhat looked like a Mogwai from the movie Gremlins entered the room.
I was not sure if it was a robot or a tiny person in a suit or a living creäture, either way it was sneaking toward someone and before I could warn everyone a person entered the room to make sure that we were sleep, and I warned that person and I told them to turn on the lights; and that person turned on the lights and everyone woke up and they saw the creäture, and everyone started to panic.
I yelled for someone to pull the alarm and a man pulled the alarm, and everyone started running for their lives; but I waited because somehow I knew what would happen like I had dreamed of this before, and I knew that more creatures were going to attack the first people to run out of the room.
I also knew that more creatures would attack the people who ran out last from behind and I knew that more creatures would attack people outside, and so I decided to run in the middle of the crowd; and I ran into another room, and then I ran outside and it was a nice day outside.
I heard and saw people getting attacked inside and outside and it was pure chaos but I knew where the safer areas would be, and I ran to a side entrance/exit gate that did not have barbed wire on the inside of the gate but it had it on the outside of the gate; and I started to climb the gate and I carefully climbed over the barbed wire on the outside of the gate, and then I opened the gate so that others could escape.
A few people (mostly women who spoke Spanish) followed me across the street near a house that was across the street, this area seemed safe for now, and then we decided to escape down an alley(way); but I woke up.
Something bit me on my elbow while I was sleeping which started itching me so much that it kept waking me up from my dream(s), I also started to feel a bit hot which also helped wake me from my dreams, dogs outside kept barking and disturbing my sleep as well, and I had to use the bathroom and so I got out of bed; and I forgot all of my dreams except for part of one dream unfortunately, but maybe I will remember some of my other dreams later.
The dream that I barely remember part of involved members of the YouTube channel 4YallEntertainment at a house playing a Saints Row video game that looked like either Saints Row: The Third or Saints Row IV, and they did not seem to know much about the game; and so they were missing a lot of content/activities/items/et cetera that is available in the game.
One of the members of 4YallEntertainment had heard about a fictional hidden mission to find Ratman, a possibly fictional easter-egg character that was alleged to be hidden in the video game Grand Theft Auto IV, and he heard that you had to look in dark underground tunnels until you found groups of people to start the hidden mission; and so they searched around dark underground tunnels looking for signs of Ratman, and in this dream Ratman was more like a villain Batman-like character who wore a rat suit.
At some point they found a group of people in a dark underground tunnel near a deep hole in the ground, the hidden mission required you to kill Ratman before he could kill all the people by pushing them into the deep hole in the ground to their deaths, but you could not see Ratman in the dark; and so that made it hard to kill him, but you could hear him taunting you sometimes as he pushed people to their deaths.
They failed to kill Ratman the first one or two times, so all the people died, and Ratman would leave to his next hidden underground tunnel to kill more people; and so you had to try to find him again after each failure, but eventually they found him again.
They also finally killed Ratman before he could kill all the people and so they completed this hidden mission, but I woke up.
I slept very well last night and my dream recall/dream memory was better than usual & I remembered more of my dreams with more details than usual, but I do not feel like typing them/my dreams today for some unknown reason. 🙂
One dream joined several places that are sometimes in my dreams, and at some point while eating with my family, I noticed my former classmates JC, MT, SS, and MS sitting near us eating as well; they acted like they did not see me at first, and then they said something to me, but we did not talk to each other much (they clearly did not want to talk to me really).
John Jr's Blog 